No, it’s not the title of a new, inevitably god-awful ITV sitcom, but rather the billing for radio’s most improbable commentary duo since grand master Kenneth Wolstenholme was joined in the gantry by an inebriated Brian Clough. Ok, so that pairing never actually happened – but it bloody well should’ve.
So, on the one hand we have Stanley Victor Collymore: the outrageously talented but deeply flawed ex-pro with a surprising penchant for passionate, informed commentary, on the other; John “very much so” Motson: Sheepskin-clad, stat-obsessed, and a long-standing national treasure (or irritant, depending on your point of view). By accident more than design, this chalk-and-cheese pair has, at least unofficially, become Radio Five Live’s premier commentary team in the period following Collymore’s post-dogging renaissance.
This week the two were an integral part of the team which excitedly described West Brom’s dramatic elevation to the Premier League at a highly-charged Hawthorns. Motson’s animated chatter, allied with Collymore’s perceptive Black Country brogue perfectly illustrated the scenes as Tony Mowbray’s side belatedly clambered over the promotion finishing line; Motty briefly reprising Wolstenholme’s “and some of the fans are on the pitch..” at the climax, or near enough, of a breathless Championship season.
Since his breakthrough in that infamous Hereford-Newcastle FA Cup tie of 1972, Motson’s career went from strength to strength – to the point where his inimitable style has reached iconic status. He was unofficially confirmed as the Beeb’s TV commentary top-dog some years back, when he finally saw off the always articulate, occasionally amusing Barry Davies (the sheepskinned-one’s inexplicable dominance led Davies to reluctantly retire to the icy obscurity of Figure Skating commentary in sheer frustration at his lack of big-match opportunities).
But the veteran broadcaster, on the telly at least, has grown too self-conscious of late; trying far too hard to pander to those who un-ironically refer to him as ‘the voice of football’. To the neutral at least, his invariably stilted ‘performances’ during the big England games have been particularly excruciating. Of course, the BBC insists that, at 62 years of age, Motty remains a national treasure – but they also thought that Ian Wright was employable, so you can draw your own conclusions from that.
Pre-planned gags delivered with all the subtlety of a Michael Essien sliding-tackle, each one making Gary Lineker’s horrific puns seem almost (almost) acceptable; an insistence on offering up utterly pointless stats at the expense of describing on-field action; and simply not knowing when to shut the hell up, are all crimes for which Motson could reasonably be hauled up before the International Court of Justice for Armchair Fans.
And this heinous charge-list is far from exhaustive – his awkward chuckling at the perpetually-bored Mark Lawrenson’s execrable efforts at humour, as the pair once again hopelessly stumble their way through another insight-free 90 minutes, is a particular pet hate of mine. Please feel free to add your own…
During the Germany ’06 World Cup, digital viewers were offered the chance to avail of Five Live commentary instead of listening to Motson’s confused witterings. Viewers took up this opportunity to ditch Motty in their droves (an estimated two million of them did so during England v Ecuador). Though to be rewarded for that brave switch with an Alan ‘Greeny’ Green commentary was in itself a dubious pleasure, but that’s another story entirely.
However, recent analysis of Motty’s voice (let us pity the poor fool who endured such ear-bleedingly inane research) found that he has the “best vocal qualities” of any of his broadcasting rivals and was able to “speak at double the normal speed and across twice the range of an average person.” And apparently that’s a good thing.
Perhaps these singular qualities are key when it comes to explaining why his frantic style is more suited to the unique challenges of live radio commentary. The necessity to fill dead air with accurate, relevant comment and to paint a vivid verbal picture of what’s occurring down on the pitch tends to focus the mind a little. Plus, a Motty unencumbered by the scrutiny of the prime-time telly millions is a Motty free to get back to what he once did best.
And, of course, without the dead-weight of Lawrenson hanging languidly from his neck, the enthusiastic, knowledgeable input of a young punditry upstart such as Stan Collymore only serves to bring out the best in him.
Collymore’s journey from top professional to respected analyst has been both public and troubled. Ultimately retiring from football at the tender age of 30 (not accounting for an aborted comeback a couple of years later), controversy has dogged his every step. Clinical depression, a spot of sexual deviancy down on Cannock Chase, and a deliciously improbable appearance alongside Sharon Stone in the appalling Basic Instinct sequel have been among the lowlights of this period.
Though, if we may take a slight detour from the topic in hand, a check on his subsequent entry in the Internet Movie Database at least paints a brighter, if somewhat distorted, picture:
“One of the most gifted, charismatic and outspoken soccer players of his or any generation…scorer of some of the most amazing goals in recent football history…a highly intuitive mind, with natural screen charisma...The Maverick from the Midlands is an intelligent, multi-talented phenomenon.”
Bigging yourself up much?
Nevertheless, Collymore’s nascent broadcasting career – which also encompasses an anchorman role on Central TV’s Soccer Night – continues to draw a growing band of admirers. Detailing how and why footballers and managers do what they do (rather than aimlessly parroting the words of his co-commentator), does not seem to be a foreign concept to the one-time Liverpool and England star. It sounds a simple formula – but these are rare enough traits in football broadcasting.
He’ll never be popular with those dullards who oppose strong regional accents in their match commentators, and his chequered past will remain a stick with which to beat him until the day he finally hangs up his mike for good. But thoughtful punditry from ex-pros is currently thinner on the ground than goodwill for F1 chief Max Mosley at a Bar Mitzvah; Tim Sherwood, Nigel Winterburn, and Jamie bleeding Redknapp please take your leave.
As for motormouth Motty, he may well be commentating on his last Cup final for TV next month after his BBC bosses failed to agree a job-share deal for him with satellite broadcasters Setanta. With the FA Cup’s television rights moving to Setanta and ITV next season in a deal running until 2012, Motson must decide whether to stay put after a 37-year career at the Beeb. The corporation have squandered the rights to more or less any significant live football but still want him to sign a new deal with them for next season to commentate on both Five Live and Match of the Day.
If Motson does decide to put pen to paper, the working relationship of radio’s dynamic duo will hopefully be given opportunity to flourish further. Though you can’t see Colly popping round to Motty Mansion for afternoon tea with John and wife Anne – and the mere thought of Motson hopping into Stan’s “SVC”-plated Range Rover for a night-time sojourn to the car parks of Cannock Chase sends a shudder down the spine – on-air the two might just make the perfect odd couple.
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